I was cruising the internet looking for a wife for my husband....

OK, I know how that sounds...really I was being a pain in the butt and was going to send him, via yahoo messenger, a link to a mail order bride site....because, well, I'm a pain in the butt...and I was trying to annoy him. I'm an Aries, I can't help it. Anywho...I come across this list...it's from Housekeeping Monthly 13 May, 1955 and is all about HOW to be a GOOD WIFE. I now know I am the worlds worst wife and I cannot believe the Major bothers to put up with me. I am such a total failure.

• Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
  

Ummm....I'm supposed to cook for him??? I mean...I DO cook...but usually the kids are home and hungry way before the Major...so he gets to either heat up a plate by himself or cook his own. I am SO sorry I'm not letting him know I'm concerned about his needs...I thought he could read my mind..I mean..he is a man and they're so good at that...right?

• Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
  

Yeah....and I'M not work weary, right? geeze...I'm lucky if I get to brush my teeth in the morning...and I'm supposed to be putting ribbons in my hair?!?! What am I? A maypole???

• Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
  

LOL...OK....Im sure the Major would LOVE it if I were a little "gay"....and I'm sure it would make his boring day more interesting....but sorry babe...mama just doesn't swing that way...whether it is my "duty" or not.

• Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.

Wow...really? Just for him? Geesh...he truly is special if I'm doing this for him..I mean its not like I haven't spent the last 9 hours trying to get a hold of the clutter and dust...but since he is about to make his presence at our house I will make sure his crap is off the tables...and if he can't find it later? Well...I did it for him so its ok.

• During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

I had no idea what I have been missing! Maybe I could kill two birds with one stone by starting the fire with his clutter!!

• Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
  

Like I don't encourage them to be quiet when I'm home? Do they listen?? No...are they laying beside my bed right now making strange monster noises and rolling around in the dog agility tube? Yes. I think the Major can field the noise issues.

• Be happy to see him.
  

I'm usually 1/2 way through a 6 pack by the time he pulls in..so I'm SUPER happy!

• Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
  

Um...LOL...what does this MEAN??? It's like some weird foreign language...I DO NOT COMPREHEND!!!

• Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
  

O M G. If the Major really thinks this, then the mail order bride route may be the only way solution.

• Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
  

I know he would prefer compliments and solutions...but 9 hours alone with tweens does not support either of those.

• Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

I'm sorry...all night?? What kind of job does this man have that could warrant THAT?? I can tell you right now I'd be greeting him at the door with not complaints and problems..but a cast iron frying pan.

• Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
  

Lie him down in the bedroom? Get him a drink? Would you like me to fetch your slippers too Master???

• Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
  

I refuse to touch the Major's feet...and if I did...I would not be using a soothing and pleasant voice..it would be shrill and screechy.

• Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
  

This was 1955??? Were we chattel still? I think I would have been run out of town or burnt at some stake in the middle of a corn field.

• A good wife always knows her place.

Yes...my place...where would that be? Chained to the stove? Three steps behind the Major? Perhaps kneeling at his feet with his slippers in my mouth.....PUHLEEZE.

I think I'll go pick up some clutter and perhaps fix the Major a drink...to try and make up for my complete and utter failure.