Our love affair began at a young age...me, a spoiled only child, you, creamy and lovely in all your guises..whether it be slices, bricks or shredded..I loved all the forms you took and relished every meeting we had and looked forward to our next tryst.
It went on for years. Me worshipping your smooth texture, knowing that wherever I needed you, you would add joy and liveliness, warmth and sustenance. I loved you so. In return I thought you loved me as well..and perhaps in the beginning you did..but then...something happened..I can't say when it all changed..all I know is that today..it is confirmed...after devouring Boursin cheese last night (oh..so wonderful spiced with garlic and herbs...I think I fell in love with you again after discovering this delightful piece of you) after a hiatus from your loveliness, you made it very clear that you no longer wanted me around. The noises that have been heard, rumbling and grumbling from my abdomen are frightening the children, and small animals are running from me in horror. The pain inflicted on my person is almost unbearable...why?? Oh why??? I thought we had a good thing...I thought we would be together forever..I am so hurt..so crushed.
I am at a loss as to what I did to deserve this treatment. I thought I had been good to you..true and loyal. Now I must come to terms with your cacophonous treatment of my entrails and move on from our turbulent relationship.
I know there will never be another like you...I know I will never find a suitable substitute for your rich consistency and superior taste...but move on I must...My family and I can take no more of your pungent issuance or arduous spasms. I must think of my children and the harm that may befall them if you stay. So farewell Cheddar, mozzarella, cream cheese, Munster, American, Swiss..and all of your other aliases. I have loved you...and I will always love you...but I can tolerate you no more. Farewell!